Honesty Hour

1. Am I in love?
Love, for me, is an outdated thing. It is something I used to do when I was a little kid. When I was freer and more innocent, I would fall in love with boy after boy, following him, imprinting his name with little hearts in my diary. But I grew up, and found that the world was not as giving as I was. I guess I have not been lucky. I don't believe in love, and I never will.

2. The last time I felt jealous, and why?
This is a general jealousy. I have had other jealousies, over love, over hate, but I will not go into those. I am jealous of people with loving families. I would see the mother play with her children, buy them treats, comfort them, and then I remember that I never had those luxuries. I always wished I had loving parents, and that I didn't have to come home to arguments and tears.

3. Am I insecure? What about?
I am not insecure about anything that I know of. I'm actually quite happy with my self-image, with my friends, with my income.

4. What my full name is.
Chan Ying On. Ying for pure, good water, both wet (like a waterfall) and dry (money), and On for peace, quiet, safe, satisfied.

5. If I forgive betrayal.
Never, not in a million years. But sometimes life is so cruel that you have to bend so much in order to get by, and so I dismiss it because I'm not strong enough to hold by myself. I will dismiss it, but I would never, ever forgive it, if I had a choice.
But there is an escape clause. The person has to be sorry, really sorry, then I may forgive him. If he shows me that it was a mistake, and that he is a good person, then I may let it go.

6. How do I treat my friends.
Like royalty. They are choosing to spend their limited time with me, so I owe them that. I will do anything for anyone who treats me well.

7. 1 thing I love unconditionally.
Myself--darling, you will always come first. You are doing so well, so strong, and so brave. I love you.

8. Biggest dream.
To be a story teller. I have always been inspired, compelled, intrigued and perplexed by the power of stories, especially good ones. Deep inside, I would like to be a writer, except I'm not very good at it at the moment. But I am a closet writer, that's for sure.

9. An idol.
Jennifer Lawrence. I love how she is happy with her image, and how she refuses to let society and the media change her. Also that she inspires other young women to have confidence. Not only is she talented and beautiful, she is strong and has good roots. I really look up to her and I hope to see more from her.

10. If I've done something I regret very much.
I don't feel regret. My parents used to beat me up unjustly and then leave me to cry it off, so I never had a sense of conscience and right and wrong. I was raised tough and brutally, so I never developed the emotions of kindness and caring. I have done many bad things, bullied people, stole things, lied, but right now, I'm just glad I survived my childhood. This is what misery does to you--it victimises you and instead of focussing on the wrong you've done, you focus on the hurt you feel. So I can say that I have both destroyed greatly and suffered greatly.